PREMIER LEAGUE JOUSTING

It's 2021, we've all been through so much, and even now there seems to be more tunnel before we get to the light. So can't we agree that we should be helping one another to feel better, to find joy, to have something joyous to cling to in these depressing times? Because if we are all trying to help others get through all this and find some meaning, why the f@#% are the @premierleague allowing the likes of Steve Bruce and Sam Allardyce to literally shit in our eyes, playing out dire nil-nil draws that do no good for either side and rob watching fans of precious moments on earth.

Enough is enough. New rules are needed. We've seen that football's overlords are more than happy to change the handball rule again and again. So I'm proposing a far less controversial but more critical amendment to the game's laws. One, for the purest's, the true lovers of the game, like @soccerbible & @copa90!

Whenever two managers conspire to deliver such eye bleedingly poor entertainment, they should be forced to make up for it after the final whistle by each selecting one of their players, climbing on his back, and then charging at each other from opposite ends of the field in a ritual joust, using corner flags for lances. The winner is determined by the cheering of the crowd, extra points of showmanship and the like. Fans who've paid for the pleasure of watching two sides muck about, doing nothing for 90 minutes are rewarded with the spectacle of their manager at least having a go at something. It could even replace the tedious "we can take many positives from the performance" nonsense interviews.

Now, some games will end goalless despite both sides trying their best, but rules are rules, so we could have the chance to see all sorts of fabulous combinations throughout the season. Predictably, Steve Bruce riding a wild-eyed Jonjo Shelvey would be a regular jousting pair. Still, surely the chance to see a nobly bearded Nuno Espirito Santo astride a galloping Adama Traore would make up for any nil-nil induced boredom.

So down with the boredom of a nil-nil draw, bring on the jousting!

- Matthew Wate